Andri's...blog?

new blog

2008-03-19T00:10:00.000+11:00

I've made a new blog here

2007 reviews

2007-12-23T22:29:00.000+11:00

I wonder if I made the right decision, quitting the lab just like that... although now I'm pretty well aware of the consequences. I've sent messages to tons of people, asking them if they could supervise me, none accepted, after looking at my previous records. You can safely say that I've been blacklisted by the scientific community, damage had been done and I'm not sure if they can be repaired.

2007 had been a rough year for me, I was depressed for much of the year, especially during the winter periods. I'm not really sure why. There were so many things that I was thinking about, so many dilemmas I faced, that I was utterly confused and distraught. In the end, none of them were solved, I just ran, far away from my problems. The harder I ran, the heavier the burdens on my shoulder became. People say when you have a weight on your shoulder, you should let it go and walk on. I let go of my burden, and now, I wonder if I should've let them go in the 1st place. Perhaps I gave out too soon. I probably could have gone on and worked them out. However, I didn't, I ran away from them. In that respect, I'm a failure.

Now, I'm trying to start a new chapter in my life. I took a masters course in education, maybe I have a chance in teaching. I hope I'll be strong and persistent enough to walk on this path. Let's see what's gonna happen.

i've finally done it

2007-10-23T00:02:00.000+10:00

I've finally done it. Well, I actually did it about 3 weeks ago. I gathered up the courage to go talk to my supervisor and pull out of the project. I told him that I had some personal difficulties and could not dedicate time to do it anymore. Damn, I feel like such a jerk. I am a jerk, I pulled out of the project just like that, and I don't even have a bloody good reason. I felt really bad afterwards, during the trip home from uni on that day, I almost cried on the tram. Perhaps I shed a little bit of tears. 2 weeks since then, life has been very dull like usual. I feel really... bumped. It's like, I want to do something. I want to do a phd. I want to do research. However, things... circumstances... just aren't clicking. I feel like, all doors have been closed on my face, or maybe I closed them myself. I don't know what to think, feel or want anymore. I am just so... tired. Last Sunday, I tried to contact my old honours supervisor, I was wondering if he would let me continue on my old honours project. Up til now, well it's only been 1 day... but he hasn't replied me yet. I do not expect much, things have not been going well for me. I guess he probably have heard about me dropping out of the potential phd project that i took earlier this year and doesn't want a dropout like me. When I called my mom earlier, she seemed to expect so much from me, she wanted me to continue do a phd, and I don't wanna disappoint her. But.... what can i do? I guess at the end of it, I will have to disappoint her. I am a failure.

can't go..

2007-09-11T12:49:00.000+10:00

It's been more than 2 months since I haven't gone back to lab. I still am not going. I dun wanna go. By the way, this is not the lab that I did my honours. This is another lab that I hoped to do my phd later in. I dun know exactly why I dun like the place. It's just one of those places where I do not feel comfortable in. It's not that people are rude and mean. It's just that... I do not like that place. Have you ever been to a place that once you went in, you just feel like you wanna get out as fast as possible. That's how I feel. When I went in there in the morning, the first thing that came to mind was how I can get out of there as soon as possible. Lately for the past couple of months, I can't even bring myself to go there. I wake up every morning, telling myself that this is the day, I've gotta go but I can't. Whenever I've done all my morning chores (bath, etc), I;ve got this sinking feeling in my chest. I can't go. I feel bad for my supervisor, he's such a nice guy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I hate that place so much.

Mike Gravel..

2007-07-30T10:43:00.001+10:00

When I watched the CNN Youtube Democratic debate, I was impressed by one of the candidate Mike Gravel. I guess out of all the candidates on that program, only 2 people were truly honest. Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel.

One of the things that really caught my attention about Mike Gravel is his Taxation plan. To put it simply, he believed that people should not be taxed based on what they earned and worked hard for but on what they spend. Therefore, he proposed a fairtax program where the income tax is abolished and establishing a progressive national sales tax of 19-23% on new goods and services.

For compensation of necessities such as food, clothing, transportation; he is proposing a "prebate" to untax the lower income groups. This is done by calculating and projecting the costs of monthly necessities and sending cheques to the lower income households to compensate.

I liked the idea of abolishing income tax and establishing a national sales tax in place of it. However, the compensation for lower income groups has the potential to be corrupted by the individual households. I personally feel that establishing a tax-free status on government sold necessities would be more appropriate. As a socialist, I think the government should companies that manufacture and sell these necessary goods and services, which will be tax-free. This can extend to farms, clothing factories, transportation services and hospitals.

However, the idea of the government managing all these different companies would be a mammoth task. It may be possible for the government to instead sell government tax-free franchises to the public. However, in order to prevent a tiny group of individuals from controlling these tax-free necessities. A law should be passed that prohibits a single group or individual from owning more than 20% of the franchise. The management of the franchise should be rotated every 5 years and elected by the major franchise owners. In addition, as a franchise, these companies have to adhere to government standards and regulations to maintain their tax-free status. Moreover, the tax-free franchise status have a certain expiry period (maybe 10-20 years) after which the private franchise owners have to renew and purchase another period of tax-free status.

2007-06-08T10:04:00.000+10:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(63% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(11% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist (11e/63s)

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

there is no justice...

2006-12-01T17:52:00.000+11:00

Success in life depends a lot on just being in the right place at the right time. For example, throughout this year, I've met 2 different kinds of people. One person worked his ass off for his honours project. From what I observe, he came in to the lab earlier than me, and went home later than me. I think he spent like 10-14 hours on average doing work everyday (including weekends). He practically put his body, heart and soul to this honours year. In the end, the project results were crap. It's not his fault, it's just that his experiment failed. His hypothesis is not true. However, he got quite a good mark. Not remarkable, but good enough.

Then, we look at the 2nd person. This person does quite some amount of work as well... much less than the 1st person though and also less than me. I believe throughout this year, all that this person has done is counting cells. She practically only came for a couple of hours to lab, look at slides and count cells. However, she belongs to a big part of a huge project. Nevertheless, the majority of the experiments in the project were done by someone else. However, it turns out that the project came up with some very exciting results. What kind of marks did she get? Let me just say that she came out to be one of the students who got the top marks in the faculty.

Which brings me back to my point. Success in life depends a lot on being in the right place at the right time. Let's face it. Life is unfair. Mean, bitchy, and just plain evil people often gets better in life than nice, hardworking and decent folks. I can honestly say the same about myself. I am very fortunate to have parents who are rich enough to support my studies here in australia. However, I also know some of my cousins in my home country who weren't as fortunate. When I look at them, i know that they are much better than me both in their intellectual capabilities and their determination. However, they are forced to stop their education after high school in order to work and help support their family.

How do i feel about this? Am I going to be bitter about it? You bet I am. I feel that there is something very wrong about this. Instinctively, I believe that people who work hard should be much more appreciated. However, in the end. People mainly appreciate results. They don't really care how much work you've put in. They just want to know what they can get out of it. People who work hard and still fail, they call as failures. Believe me, there are those out there who keeps on trying and trying but never made it. There are those who doesn't even try, and made it.

Children of the alley

2006-09-05T00:23:00.000+10:00

I just finished reading a book titled "Children of the alley" by an egyptian author called Naguib Mahfouz. This books tells the story about a feudal lord and his descendants who populated and lived in the alley outside his mansion. What is interesting about this book is its hidden allegory. The feudal lord represented the almighty monotheistic God of the Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Some of the descendants of this feudal lord became great men among the community of the alley and they represented Moses, Jesus and Mohammed.

An interesting read, very thought provoking...
One comment that I can make about this book is a statement I read in it which I found to be very intriguing.
"Rifaa did not die at the moment of his death. He died when his successors turned into gangsters."
For those of you who aren't familiar with the book, Rifaa is a representation of Jesus. With respect to the entry I made some weeks ago about life after death is about what you leave behind for your sucessors. I guess the same successors can kill their ancestors again after they have been dead. Jesus is alive for some people. His spirit and ideals of non-violence, love and self-sacrifice lived in some people. Ironically, some people are speaking and claiming to do unspeakable things in his name. Some people cheat and kill people while claiming to do Jesus' work. I guess these people may say that Jesus lived in them, while the truth is that they crucified him the second time.

comparison of old blog and new blog

2006-09-01T00:26:00.000+10:00

I read some of my old entries in my old blog and I realised that most of 'philosophical/ideological/theological' entries there had some heavy christian elements to it. It's not that I think they are wrong, I would think of them more as 'outdated'. Many of the basic and main ideas within those entries are still true and I still feel strongly about them. However, the religious concept within it has become somewhat irrelevant to me. When I compare that blog to this one, I feel that this blog can be a change somehow. I feel that I am still the same person with lots of thoughts and ideas floating on my head. It's probably that I'm more open now. I guess now I'm willing to take on both religious and secular allegories to represent what I feel. Being a ex-believer, I feel there's nothing wrong with learning from religions and perhaps incorporating them into secular philosophy. I only hope that I can put those ideas into written words.

love song

2006-08-31T16:21:00.000+10:00

What is your saddest/most romantic/best love song of all time??

I'm currently stuck between Utada Hikaru's "First love" and Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting."

I'm a centrist!!

2006-08-31T12:23:00.000+10:00

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government

control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on

the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention

and sometimes support individual freedom of choice.

Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind,

tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what

they describe as "practical" solutions to problems

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 40%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 50%.

If you wanna see what you are... go to
The Advocate

life after death...

2006-08-10T00:16:00.000+10:00

What is life after death.? When I was a christian, this used to be such a simple concept. There were only 2 options for life after death. Heaven or hell. Accept Jesus, you go to heaven. Don't accept Jesus, you go to hell. Simple as that. And then after I think about it for a while. It seems so selfish and plain wrong.

Do you accept Jesus just to get to heaven??? Does God use heaven as an incentive so that we accept him and worship him? What bout the billions of ppl out there in the world who never heard about Jesus??? Hell for them?? I can't accept a God like that... not that I believe in him anymore... You can say that I've abandoned my faith... I've stopped believing in God... because Heaven/Hell as life after death is just wrong... so wrong...

So what is life after death?? is there nothing after death?? Nah..
I've realised what life after death is really about... If someone asks me what life after death is... I would answer by pointing to my head and to my heart... Life after death are memories and dreams... Martin Luther King is dead, but his memories live on in our brains... and whenever we remember him.. our heart raced... because somehow... we have the same dream and passion as he did.. that people of all colours can live together in peace...
I guess life after death... are the memories that people have of the deceased person, and the dreams that are continued to be pursued by the succeeding generations... The question is... After you die, do you want to live??

Science is bloody tough..

2006-07-23T11:44:00.000+10:00

After so many failures with the GAP-43 antibody on thalamus sections, I have made a decision. I am not going to follow the protocols that the Research assistant in my lab has used. I am going to try come up with my own dilutions for my next batch of brains.
If it works... that's awesome... IF they don't... I'm gonna be really pissed... I guess I just have to stick with my VGLUT2 synaptic count results. However, IF the VGLUT2 counts are negative, the GAP-43 results would most certainly be negative. I mean... IF there's no synapses being formed, it's most probably because there's no sprouting at all... hence, no GAP-43. I guess there's nothing happening in the ventrolateral thalamus at all.

On another note, I've looked at a couple of cerebellar sections and voila! GAP-43 positive cells on the deep cerebellar nuclei!! I guess I have to be content with a negative result for my thalamus project(honours). However, if I'm going to go on and do PhD, I will be looking at the deep cerebellar nuclei in more detail. I strongly believe that there's some significant sprouting in the deep cerebellar nuclei. The question is... where do they come from??? Purkinje Cells?? or somewhere else??
However, before I answer those questions... I need to know the best way of cutting these cerebellar sections.. because they are so fragile.. The reason that I do not have that many cerebellar data is because most of my cerebellar sections are wrecked. It would be fun also to look at the cerebellum and count the synapses in them. However, I am not sure what kind of synapses are present in the cerebellum. If I'm gonna count the Purkinje synapses, I may have to use a GABA transporter antibody to mark the inhibitory synapses. If I wanna count other synapses, I probably have to do some research on their identity.

Soccer Dream team

2006-06-15T18:33:00.000+10:00

Now that it's the World Cup,

I've come up with the soccer dream team of all time (the players mentioned here are from different era)

Position 3-4-1-2

1. Goalkeeper - Peter Schemeichel
2. Central Defender - Paolo Maldini
3. Central Defender - Franz Beckenbauer
4. Central Defender - Franco Baresi
5. Central Midfielder (Defensive)- Roy Keane
6. Central Midfielder - Michel Platini
7. Right Winger - George Best
8. Attacking Midfielder (Deep Lying Forward) - Maradona
9. Striker - Marco Van Basten/George Weah
10.Striker - Pele/Ronaldo
11.Left Winger - Ryan Giggs

I will try to come up with the dream team compiling players from the World Cup 2006 soon.

Chest pain.. again

2006-06-15T17:47:00.000+10:00

Last night I had those chest pains again.. havent had them for quite a few months ... I think it's because of my stress level rising to the roof lately... I am going way way way behind with my project... Things aren't really working out.. Rats losing their magnets, crappy injections, crappy immuno... I'm so bloody screwed. In addition, I'm not sure why but I've been feeling kinda lonely lately... It's not that I don't have friends... it's just that I don't have "the friend". I simply don't have anyone to talk to.. or more accurately, I don't have anyone that I can talk to...

I guess all these factors just piled themselves on me... causing my higher than normal blood pressure to go even higher... If this chest pain persists, I may have to go see the doctor... Talking about doctor.. I should see a dentist as soon as possible to get my tooth filling fixed! haiz...

Penguins cheat too!!

2006-06-08T12:32:00.000+10:00

Apparently, female penguins are willing to trade sex for "money".. or in their case, stones to build their nest.

"To wit, Adelie penguins regularly steal stones from fellow nest-builders to fortify their own, even though they get pecked and chased in the process. More surprising yet is the recent discovery that some females resort to peddling their bodies in exchange for the precious pebbles."

Penguins are usually very protective of their material possessions.. just as we are protective of ours.. we keep our money in the bank. However, in the penguin world, there is no such thing as a Savings account, so the only vault that they have are their beaks and flippers to beat the hell out of any robbers. However...

"Given nest owners’ violent reactions to birds that try to steal their stones, Hunter was surprised and amused when she saw a female waddle off with a stone from an unattached male’s nest—while he looked on calmly. The female had just mated with him."

Now that's one very satisfied male penguin. Some females are also really good with swiping the stones.
"In each case, a female penguin left her mate and made her way to a single male at his nest. She stood nearby and gazed at him. When he flirted with her in the penguin way, giving her a sidelong glance and bowing his head, she followed suit. The hopeful male then stepped off his platform of stones, allowing her to waddle on. Leaving no uncertainty about what she was there for, she lay face down on the nest, and the male mounted and mated with her. Afterward, she got up, picked up a stone with her beak, and without further ado, went back to her own nest. In half of the cases, the female returned to the same single male for a second stone, although they did not mate again. In one instance, a female made off with a total of ten stones."

Sometimes, the female manages to run off with their precious commodity without having to fall victim to the male's libido. "Often the females took stones away from the males without offering sex in return. The females would flirt exactly as before, only they would skip the mating and take off with a stone. “It’s as if she takes the money and runs,” says Davis. Strangely, none of the males protested, though a few tried unsuccessfully to mount the females. One of the females came back for no fewer than 62 stones within the space of an hour. “These males are not very intelligent,” laughs Davis."

I guess it's not that the males are not intelligent. They are just avoiding embarassment. Humans do that too. I've never heard of anyone mugged by a prostitute trying to get his money back.

http://www.calacademy.org/calwild/2004spring/stories/materialgirls.html

what does it mean to fail??

2006-05-29T23:54:00.000+10:00

Science is hard.. Lots of failed experiments here and there... Up til now.. I haven't got any real results yet.. Things always seem to screw up somewhere... At first, there were problems with the immuno... Then, there's the problem with the analysis.. and there's also this big problem with the rats losing their implants.. I am so screwed... FAIL FAIL FAIL!! so many FAILED experiments!!!

Kinda stressed out now.. I'm worried that by the end of the year I won't have anything to write about but a series of failed experiments here and there. I guess I know what she was telling me about years ago...

There are 2 kinds of successful people..
1. Talented people who do things once and instantly get good results.
2. Hard-working people who do things over and over again and finally getting good results.

What differentiates them is that.. Talented people dun always have determination.. they may be so carried away with their good luck and talents that once they fail.. they start to fall apart.. While hard-working people.. are so accustomed to failing.. that trying another one doesnt hurt anymore..

I am definitely noy the talented one.. I have the luck of one who falls of a ladder, stomped by the ladder and tripped on the same ladder when i get up...
I wonder.. can i keep getting up, despite the pain??

just got my lit review back

2006-05-24T13:02:00.000+10:00

I just got my lit review back... the marks are quite alright.. 3.88/5... But.. the comments that the examiners left me... harsh... I guess they are being too kind to give me 3.88/5 given all the stupid mistakes that I did... I think I deserve much less than that... Anyway... when I passed up the review.. I knew it was crap.. and honestly.. I can't make it better... there was no way for me to make it better... I guess that "crap" is the best that I could do...

On another thing... I'm having problems counting the synaptophysin marked puncta... The ImageJ program doesn't do a really good job in counting them... They told me that there is another new program.. but it's not "functional" yet... So I just gotta wait... Another problem with the synaptophysin... it seems that I am not going to be able to separate and group the synapses based on size.. and they are quite uniformly distributed...

Thankfully, my group leader mentioned about different types VGLUT being employed by the Cortex and the Deep Cerebellar Nuclei... So.. I'm gonna try to do immuno on some of these today... hopefully it works... though I doubt it will.. things are bound to screw up somewhere...

how 2 warring nations can be v immature...

2006-05-10T17:06:00.000+10:00

Technically, the South and North Korea is still at war with one another.. At their borders, there's this demilitarized zone with a width of 4km that extends throughout the korean peninsula and dividing it in half.

Within this demilitarized zone... there are 2 villages... one owned by the north (Gijeong-dong).. the other by the south (Taesong-dong).. Here's a part of a wikipedia article about the 2 villages:

In the past, North Korean propaganda was sent out by loudspeaker across to Taesong-dong for as much as 20 hours a day, and reciprocal pop music and South Korean exhortations blasted back. These broadcasts ceased by mutual agreement in 2004. During the 1980s, the South Korean government built a 100 metre (328 ft.) tall flagpole in Taesong-dong. The North Korean government responded by building a taller one - the tallest in the world at 160 metres (525 ft.). The North Korean flag at the top weighs around 270 kg (595 lbs.) when dry and must be taken down the instant it starts raining as the tower cannot support its weight when wet.

Link

LOL!

feeling kinda shit...

2006-05-04T00:24:00.000+10:00

Things are so shitty...

1. Project
I've finished the 3 weeks training stage on the 4 rats... did synaptophysin immuno on them... and the immuno was quite alright.. Problem is.. the sections are so crappy that I cant get any good picture of the injection sites...Most of the pictures I have now are pictures with BIG HOLES right in the middle of the injection sites... DAMN!! the processings that I did during the immunohistochemistry must have damaged those sections!!! What's worse... The sections are SO CRAPPY that I can't get about 60% of them mounted... So shitty... I hope I will be able to count the synaptophysin synaptic puncta... PRoblem is... some bloody kiasu person just booked the microscope for this week... next week and the week after!!! DAMNATION!!! Now, I am forced to worked AFTER HOURS... I sure hope that I can get nice pictures and good results with the synaptic puncta counts...

2. Faith
I guess I don't need to talk much about this... Currently, I think I've stopped believing in God... The reason I'm still sticking around is that I still wanna be a human.. and not gonna cut myself from society.. not just yet...

3. Warcraft...
I think I'm gonna be kicked out of the clan.. Seriously, I am one bloody stupid idiot... I've played DOTA for a long time.. and I do not improve... In fact, a noob that just started playing last month is already better than me... I am a disgrace...

I wanna do some work... I wanna be able to focus on my project... but with things getting this shitty.. I keep on giving myself excuses like if things turn out crappy anyway... why bother???

maybe what i need are the touch and quality time of love

2006-05-02T17:04:00.000+10:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love languages are probably
Physical Touch and Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		10
Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		6
Words of Affirmation:		4
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

hypocritical bullshit..

2006-05-02T13:02:00.000+10:00

I'm thinking to quit all these church business... I'm so sick of all of it... I think if I go on with this.. I would just be living a life of lies.. All those songs that we sing at church... I don't feel connected to them anymore... I feel that they are just... words.. that mean nothing.. at least to me.... I do not care about God anymore.... and I honestly begin to doubt if He exists in the 1st place... I do not think that I can call myself a christian anymore..

I seriously can't go on living this hypocritical bullshit life...

is it over?? no not yet!!

2006-04-11T18:11:00.000+10:00

When I thought that it's over with her?? when I thought that I've moved on.. when I thought that I've managed to fall in love with someone else... All my thoughts were wrong...

I guess our dreams really determine what we really are... my dream last nite certainly did...

I dreamt that I was leaving melb.. and then while I was leaving my house ... going to grab a cab to the airport... She was there.. standing at the door... waiting for me... and I dunno how.. or why.. I held her hands and we walked together...

I dunno what this means... but instantly after that.. I woke up.. I just couldn't believe myself?? why did it had to be her??? Then I realized it.. no matter how much I tell myself that she's not my type... no matter how much I'm telling myself that we don't match.. No matter how much I tried to avoid her... No matter how much I tried to love someone else... Deep in my heart... it's still her that I want...

not doing so good...

2006-04-04T17:53:00.000+10:00

Last night, I was working on my lit review.. managed to finish the remaining 500 word by 10pm. After that, I was so dead tired.. went home and enjoy the evening..

Today, I read my whole lit review again.. and it's shit... It's really a piece of crap that talks about random stuff and doesnt get anywhere.. the contents are basically here and there and doesnt seem to come to a point... and I'm so brain dead to try fix it.. Anyway.. I sent this piece of junk to my supervisor. I hope he's able to give me some helpful comments... which I think he won't. Personally, I think that my lit review isn't even worth commenting on... It's just too... unreadable.. I think he'll just shove it back at me...

On another note... I was discussing with the research assistant who was gonna help me do the surgery tomorrow.. and things aren't going well.. The instrument that I usually use with my supervisor seems to be broken.. we haven't tested it.. cos I'm so bloody unorganised that I haven't made any micropipettes to test it on.. with the photos.. things aren;t turning good as well... the injections are crap that it's impossible to make any valid comparison... all the work since february... junk... can't get any real data from them...

CAN THINGS GET ANY WORSE!!!!!

do i expect too much or am i doing too little?

2006-04-03T00:39:00.000+10:00

Have you ever been in that situation where you wanna do something... but you simply just do not have the mood to do it? Take my case for an example, I managed to write about 2500 words on wednesday.. and I'd still need 500 more words to complete my lit review... the problem is.. I have no idea on what else to write in those 500 words.
Between that day... and now.. which is monday 1 am. I haven't added or read any single thing to make up for those remaining 500 words. Why?? bcos I simply just do not have the mood, I know I should do it.. try to finish it as soon as possible.. so that I can email it to my supervisor.. who's now in europe... but I simply do not have the mood.. I'm too lazy...

Do I expect too much?? that I have to finish this as soon as possible? It's due in 3 weeks anyway... or am I doing too little? Am I going behind??

bored... so i changed my blog template

2006-03-28T18:40:00.000+11:00

Things aren't going well with my slides... err... actually.. the problem is not with the slides... i think the problem may lie with the injections that we did...
anyway... i took some photographs of M1 today.. and they turned out pretty good.. I actually managed to locate the injection sites of both forelimb and hindlimb M1 ...
However... I could not find the corresponding areas in the thalamus.. maybe i was too tired... I guess I'll try again next time.. tomorrow gotta do some frozen sections... I'll look at the slides again tomorrow if I'm not too tired after cutting...

After all those things... my eyes were bloody tired... so I went back to my desk.. took a short nap... I planned to continue with my review.. but somehow I just don't have the mood.. so I blogged!!!

all by myself

2006-03-27T00:43:00.000+11:00

so... he left... me alone.. doing this project on my own.. err.. not really alone actually... everyone in the lab is very helpful and they offered me their care and skills at my disposal.. that's good.. tomorrow i gotta ask the lab assistant to help me with the histology and immuno stuff... i also need to arrange a time for us to do surgery together.. cos i dun think i'm ready to do surgery alone just yet.. haha... i've done live injections and perfusions.. but not really live surgery... you know... opening up the skull.. with my trembling hands holding the drill unsteadily.. i would definitely nitch the brain... cause massive internal bleeding and wasting a rat... i need help with drilling!!!

Thoughts..
I guess all of us likes to boast... and boasting doesnt juzt apply to talking bullshit about yourself... i guess boasting also applies to cases when we talk about stuff.. that aren't really necessary to talk about.. but important to boost our own self-esteem so that we can feel superior to other peopl... now that i think about it... we like to feel superior.. and no matter what we do... we want to feel superior... even the best of people... For example.. people who self-sacrifice.. i guess deep in their hearts... they wanna feel superior.. that they can do things that other people cant do... they wanna show people that they have the will to neglect their own comfort for the goodness of others... when we willingly help others... probably we do it.. to fulfill our own desire... of feeling superior... of feeling better than others.. of being special...

quit or not??

2006-03-16T23:54:00.000+11:00

Lately, I've been having some quite serious thoughts about quitting the cell group leader thingy... Honestly, I am a bad leader.. a bad example..

Look at my life.. I'm moody, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I don't care about people, I drink... I dun "walk the talk"... how can I go on?? I am just being a big bad hypocrite... maybe I should quit... and i know if I quit... it's very unlikely for me to come back... but how??

How do I go on??

what a crappy day...

2006-03-13T00:55:00.000+11:00

she... when i mean she... its "her" ... well.. she sorta asked me the "question"...
I thought that I would be able to handle that kinda question... cos I thought that I've put the past behind me.. I thought that I will be able to move on...
but i thought wrong..
I am still being held back... I'm still living in the guilt of the past.. I can't move on... I can't walk forward...
I feel like such a hypocrite.. perhaps.. I am more than a hypocrite.. I am a fool.. a fool who can't get his life together... A fool who misses opportunities time and time again.. a fool who never learns... a complete hypocritical useless fool...
In the end.. i chickened out.. yes.. I'm a coward... Wilen said, "be a man..". I guess... I'm not yet a man.. I am still that brat.. that coward brat..

getting pretty good at them

2006-03-09T23:17:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, when i was cutting sections.. i realised that I'm getting really good at it.. I could actually do it fast.. and nicely.. all the sections were pretty good!!
Today, when i mounted sections... it was also much faster and neater than before!!
man.. i'm so proud of myself.. I'm glad that I'm picking up these techniques pretty fast.. I hope I'll pick up the other techniques as fast too...

Thoughts...
I just read this article/column.. "the making of a hero" by our president on the time asia magazine.. http://www.time.com/time/asia/2005/heroes/essay.html

We often do not want to be heroes.. we do not want to sacrifice.. we do not want to pay the price.. but circumstances stirred something within us.. there is something that we felt to be wrong.. there is something we want to change.. there is something that we love.. and we want to fight for it.. the question is the same as what he wrote.. would we?
Do you want to fight for that which you love??

pancake.. or not..

2006-03-05T23:34:00.000+11:00

My friends wanted to open this.. indonesian snack shop.. specialising in indonesian pancake (my fave food)... so... they tried making some today... downloaded the recipe from the web.. bought the ingredients.. and attempted to make it.. the first one was kinda crap.. burnt like hell... but if u remove the burnt parts, its quite good.. after several attempts.. the pancake was getting better and better... I ate so many indo pancakes today that my belly almost exploded.. hahah

Thought of the day...
The ladies probably wouldn't agree to my comments here but I'll go ahead with it anyway... This afternoon I watched "The Notebook" with my friend on foxtel.. being the typical girl.. she just went "awwww" whenever the hunky guy in the movie does something.. "romantic"... or something "self-sacrificing"
I guess... all guys who are really in love.. are willing to sacrifice anything for their object of affection.. I've been there before.. and have seen many others who were in that state... but the deal on whether it is romantic or not.. i guess it depends on the woman involved... If the girl happens to like that guy who does all those "self-sacrificing" stuff.. she'll be very touched and view those things as romantic... but if the girl doesn't like the guy... she'll get scared and terrified by the things that guy did for her...
agree???

got pissed by the rat

2006-03-02T23:51:00.000+11:00

After that long surgery.. almost 5 hours... i took the rat out of the stereotaxi frame.. took out the gas anaesthetic.. and cradled it like baby.. to comfort it.. and guess what the rat did in return.. it PISSED ON ME!!! man... after that... i lost the mood to do another surgery.. or any kind of work.. so i cleaned up all the instruments and went str8 home...

I got my laptop today.. yay so happy... but i gotta find some sort of case for it.. maybe ill go shopping around tomorrow..

Thoughts of the day...
Life is unfair you know... sometimes a person who works hard with great determination.. doesnt get as good results as those people.. who are just plan lucky...
for example.. there are those people.. who work bloody hard.. in a company for so many years.. and dun get much appreciation.. and another guy who's only been working for a couple of years.. good at talking crap, sucking up and have charisma.... get better promotions...
However, if hard work and determination.. is the only thing that we have.. then we just gotta keep on working.. and whatever the results will be... be glad that we've done all that we can do...

cant believe another one died

2006-03-02T00:32:00.000+11:00

It's not a really good day indeed... another rat died during surgery today... and we're not really sure what happened to it... maybe the surgery just took too long.. or perhaps the isofluorane is too concentrated... either way.. ill try pay much much much closer attention to the rat's heartbeat next time..

After that 1st rat... it was lunch break.. managed to have lunch with sofia and su on the lawn near union house today.. been v long time since the last i ate oriental.. and they still taste good as before... try ordering lemon chicken.. and the mix the lemon sauce with curry sauce.. delicious stuff...

When i went back to the surgery.. we attempted to do another one... but it seemed that the other rat was quite resistant to iso.. on the other hand.. the surgery was kinda packed.. and the vacuum suction system seemed to be having some problems... so we ended up postponing the rest for tomorrow... Since i still had about 3 hours.. I went down to the microscopy to take more photographs... it went pretty well.. i'm getting kinda good with the fluorescence microscope...
When i reached home, alga was already waiting... she wanted to use my sis scanner for something... and then we had dinner together while watching lara croft... she seemed to be kinda stressed out...

Mood for today... kinda disappointed about the rat thingy... and getting really worried too.. i have to get some really good data fast if i want to release a paper this year.. but at this rate of 1 rat dying in every batch of 4... it's not good.. i hope things get better in the next few weeks.. before my supervisor leave to europe...

Thoughts... Do you think it's strange that when you try to get rid of something.. or avoid someone.. that particular thing/person.. just keeps coming back.. like a magnet that you can't get rid of... However, when you try.. to get close to that thing or that person.... they always seem to be drifting away...

new blog.. much simpler..

2006-02-25T23:34:00.000+11:00

I just made this new blog today.. much simpler than before.. Compared to the previous one.. It works pretty well with mozilla firefox.. However, it still has problems with the links shortcut.. I'm too lazy to find out what's wrong.. maybe I'll do it tomorrow...

the sofa is now my bed...

2006-02-24T17:48:00.000+11:00

For about a week, I've been sleeping on the sofa instead of my own bedroom. I'm not sure why... but I guess that's because when i sleep on the sofa... i tend to get less of that morning insomnia thingy i been having... Why?? I really don't know...

These past few days had been busy.. yeah.. i been busy with my honours project... Currently, there are so many techniques that I'm learning that I do not have time during the working hours to work on my literature review... After all those lab experiments... I was too brain-exhausted to read articles for my essay... I'm getting kinda worried.. i should get at least a draft ready a few days before the 25th of march which is when my supervisor will be leaving to europe... gotta push myself..

Thoughts on my mind.
You know, it takes a great amount of courage to be able to love someone without knowing if it will be returned.. that's what i think he's trying to teach me... unconditional love... Often, when we do good things to others, by instinct we expect them to do them same unto us... However, things aren't always that fair.. more often than not.. people don't pay back your kindness.. in fact.. they make use of it... and then... we are afraid to love.. we are afraid to be kind to others.. we are afraid.. that we will be used... but real love that He taught me.. aren't afraid.. Real Love is brave... courageous.. and willing to work for others despite uncertainty in its rewards... Real love... is when you love someone... and can continue to love that someone... even when they do not return it..

very tiring day in lab

2006-02-21T21:59:00.000+11:00

Today, I spent like... 8 hours in lab.. from 10 am to 6pm mounting slides... man... that is one really tiring job.. giving me neck and back pain... What's worse... I think the coverslips that I did was crap.. there were so many bubbles in them... If we can't see anything tomorrow.. then I have screwed up.. screwed up bad.. oh well.. i guess sometimes you gotta mess something up before you can do it right... by the way.. I didn't even have time to lunch... so... my belly was empty since morning until around 7 pm when i managed to have dinner with Ling shan at shanghai dumpling house... Food tastes exceptionally great when you're hungry you know...

Being busy sure has its advantages.. at least it managed to focus my mind on something.. other than that "thing" which i had been thinking almost every day... However, when the activities are over.. it's back... Which reminds me of a quote by my friend Nadia on her msn nickname.. "If you cant get someone out of your head, maybe they're supposed to be there." My question is whether this thing bothering me.. if it's supposed to be there... this person troubling my mind... am i supposed to be distressed?? then what can i do ??

another curry day

2006-02-19T23:33:00.000+11:00

This afternoon, after lunch and a couple of hours of counter strike... My friends and I thought of having an "cook-eat-together". The theme was Japanese food... so... I cooked my specialty.. Japanese curry.. err.. not really actually.. it was a dish that required no skill to cook.. you basically just need to buy the ingredients and the instant curry paste, then throw them all into a pot of boiling water... Jesse cooked a beef yakiniku thingy... and kong2x cooked tempura.. 3 chefs cooking for.. 10 people??

Kong2x also gave me this beer.. i think it's a belgian beer.. taste pretty good actually.. better than the australian local beers.. except james boag.. james boag is one good stuff... but i still prefer baccardi and midori than beers...

My mood for today been pretty good... during the day at least... however.. when i got home.. the depression starts kicking in... Now i'm feeling quite crap... i'm not really sure why... although i think i have a slight idea why... I'm wanting this thing that I know I can never have... but I still cant stop hoping that one day... I may have it.. that one day... I can be there...

my leg hurts..

2006-02-18T23:30:00.000+11:00

For the past 2 nights I've been sleeping on the sofa... That's because my pillow has gotten really really flat that they could not provide sufficient support anymore. Meanwhile, the sofa has this... "handle" part which I can use as a pillow substitute. Anyway... last night.. I sorta twisted some sort of muscle or tendon on my leg.. it was very painful.. but since I was really tired last night.. I just massaged it a little and drifted to sleep... Now it still kinda hurt.. when I try to walk.. but still manageable....

I just got back from dinner at this place called Ants Bistro near my place. I used to think that this place sells food made from ants.. I guess I thought wrong.. the food in this place was really good.. and there was no ants in them whatsoever. I would highly recommend for anyone to try its "minister chicken". Dinner was good.. and it was free... Haha.. thx Alga for treating us.. happy birthday.. anyway... during dinner I had my... alcohol..It was only a glass of muscato. I've been going on without alcohol for about... 5 days now.. since monday... I guess that's progress huh?

getting kinda worried..

2006-02-18T00:27:00.000+11:00

I have a literature review due on april.. now.. I still haven't read any research paper throughly yet.. I have just skimmed through a few of them... Tomorrow I'm planning to read some of those papers in much greater detail and depth... Hopefully there'll be some good progress. My supervisor told me that in order to get a phd next year, I would most probably have to be able to release a paper this year. I hope I can get that paper... but in order to do so.. I have to concentrate a lot on my research.. which is to be done during my hours working in the lab.. which means that I must spend less time during those "working hours" doing readings and writing up reviews. That also means that I have to spend more time on my own doing those kinda stuff. I'm starting tomorrow.. and I hope all goes well.. especially my experiments.. so that I can get good data and results early.. proceed to other experiments and perhaps.. obtain enough information for a paper...

valentine's day...

2006-02-14T22:29:00.000+11:00

Today's valentine's day is really boring for me... Why?? because I'm single.. hahahah!!! you know... I feel kinda jealous looking at all those couples on the streets.. It sure feels nice to have someone by your side on this day of celebration for love... I guess I'll just have to be patient.. really patient..

test

2006-02-13T22:49:00.000+11:00

testing post